Self-doubt is a double-edged sword. On one hand, it pushes us to strive for our best rather than settle for something less. But on the negative side, it can drive us to question our talents and abilities.
image credit: Microsoft clip art
I love writing fiction. I wouldn’t have two novels drafted if I didn’t. I wouldn’t be writing short stories on a blog if I didn’t. But a stretch of dark, dreary, damp days has unleashed my self-doubt, and it’s off and running like Maisy and Chess through a field (a reference to my current Meghan Bode short story if you’re wondering who I’m talking about). I’m fighting back and continuing with the revisions to Summer at the Crossroads, trying to get that WIP ready for a new round of beta readers by early February.
This was my first novel. It’s near and dear to my heart. I think it’s a different and good story idea. Readers enjoyed the earlier version. I also made changes based on my manuscript editor’s wonderful insights. But no agents bit during my initial querying efforts.
Self-doubt once again has me questioning the novel and my writing. Self-doubt whispers in the night, “This is a bottom of the drawer book.” It jabs during the day job, “The idea’s good, but you can’t execute.“
January doesn’t help. It’s the toughest month for me with long nights and often cold and cloudy days. I’m sure I have some level of Seasonal Affective Disorder. And while I know my spirits will improve when the days lengthen in February, I have to trudge through this longest month first.
I thought about not uploading this post, about leaving only a brief note saying I’d be back Tuesday. But one of my blogging resolutions was to talk about my writing journey. And that includes the lows. Most writers suffer from an overabundance of self-doubt, and sometimes it helps just to hear others say they do, too.
I’ll see what happens with the upcoming round of beta reading. Fresh, objective eyes will give me a better idea of what I have. Spring will be with us and my outlook—improved. And I’ll be moving forward with the WIPs.
How is your winter going? Are you ready for spring? Or are you one of those hardy souls who flourishes even in the cold and dark?
4amWriter
/ January 19, 2013Oh JM, I hear you loud and clear. This is usually a difficult month for me, too (I know I suffer from SAD) and these days my blue mood is compounded by my mother’s health situation. This is also pretty ironic that you posted this today. I plan to post something similar for Monday, which I also had doubts about publicizing.
I haven’t worked on my novel enough this month. A little research here and there, but every time I think about picking up the writing, I feel drained and stressed and I don’t want to do it.
I actually gave myself a deadline of the 23rd to get back to my usual writing routine. Both my kids’ birthdays are in January, so is my mother’s and my father-in-law’s. Coming off the heels of Christmas, my house and mind are fried, and the book doesn’t fare well during this time. It seemed like the best idea was to not even try to write while I am so overwhelmed with Life, and get back to it when things settle down.
In some ways I’m excited for the 23rd because I do miss the writing, but in other ways I feel very pressured because I’m still not sure how the book is going to pan out (it’s my pirate novel).
I guess the best course of action is to write anyway. At least that’s what all the writing gurus say and I do know that I always feel better once I get back to it. I’m sure you will get through this tough time and be on your way very soon.
jmmcdowell
/ January 19, 2013Telling people that I’m down or going through self-doubt is one of the hardest things for me to do. I don’t want to bother them because they have their own lives to deal with. I don’t like to admit I’m not as strong as others might think. I don’t like revealing too much about my feelings. I suspect I’m not alone in this.
January was even tougher back in Illinois. It was more likely to be too cold to enjoy being outside, and there were more cloudy days. Here, we can get stretches in the 50s, and pansies are planted everywhere, so there are flowers even in the dead of winter. But still, gloomy stretches seem to feed and draw out my negative and pessimistic side.
When you have to be strong for others at the same time, it has to be even more difficult—keeping the kids on track with school and activities and handling health issues with parents doesn’t stop just because we feel overwhelmed and want a breather. And then when those dark days drain the pleasure we get from our favorite activities, it’s hard to break the cycle.
I totally agree that we have to keep writing. Even if we don’t get many words down or ultimately chuck them from the book, the writing still helps sustain us through the dark days. Spring will come with more light and inspiration. And I feel better having been honest with myself and my readers in uploading this post. So I say go ahead with your Monday post. Maybe that will tip the scale back to the up side.
Mayumi-H
/ January 19, 2013Great post, JM. You are correct – at least from my standpoint – that artists suffer from more than our fair share of self-doubt. Perhaps because we rely so much on feeling for creation? (Most of my visual artist friends and family members are the same way, so it’s not writers, alone.)
It is difficult to put those words out there (“I feel like crap,” or “I can’t do this,” or “Why do I bother?”)…but I often think just the act of saying or writing them can be cathartic. We all go through periods where we think our work isn’t worthy, but keeping it all in perspective is important.
Maybe that huge manuscript isn’t meant for publication. But, did you enjoy telling the story? Did you learn something from the plot, characters, or process? Do you still love that adventure?
Just because something is picked up by an agent or published doesn’t make it good. It just means it’s sellable. “The Book Group” – a Channel 4 series from several years ago – has this great moment (Series 2, Episode 1, “Suenos (Dreams)”) when one of the writers visits a publisher about his first novel. When asked by the novice writer what he thought, the publisher replies: “I think it’s not very good. It’s bad. It’s really quite bad. …Books with original ideas are the only ones worth reading. Yours isn’t. …But, I think there’s a market for it. People who read a lot are, by and large, very stupid people. Have you seen what’s on the bestseller lists in this country?”
While the voice of the publisher is definitely cynical, I think of that conversation every time I have doubts about my own work.
The fact that you are actively trying to hone your craft with each new round of revisions and each new project says a lot about how much you care about your art. I’m a firm believer that such dedication and tenacity will bear fruit, eventually. It may not be through traditional avenues, but the world of stories – and how they are shared – is becoming more and more vast every day.
Sure, it would be awesome if we could have bestsellers to our names, and get rich and famous off our work. Is that likely? No. But if you love telling and sharing stories, whether it’s through video, painting, sculpture, a novel, a poem, a comic book – I think that’s what’s truly fulfilling, and what makes the journey important.
This is probably going to sound silly (or even a little bit crazy), but Meghan and the rest wouldn’t trust their stories to you if you didn’t have the talent to pull them off. They’d be in somebody else’s head. That they’re in yours says a lot about what you’re capable of handling.
I know I went back and forth a lot, here, but you shouldn’t sell yourself short. Sell yourself…long, I guess.
I’m looking forward to more adventures from you, and I know others are doing so, as well.
jmmcdowell
/ January 19, 2013Oh wow—I’m just back from running the day’s errands and have a wonderful inflow of supportive comments like yours. This corner of Blog Land never ceases to amaze me—in a completely good way.
I think you have something in your idea that creative people suffer from more self-doubt because of the emotional nature of our work, be it writing, painting, music, photography…. On the one hand, we create for ourselves first because we’re driven to do so. But at another level, we all hope some number of others will also enjoy the work.
And it did help to upload this post and say what I was thinking. That’s tough for this introvert to do, even though I feel better when I do it. You’d think it could easier with time, right? No such luck!
I do hope this manuscript will find an audience because most of my ideas for future stories are for sequels to this one.
But we’ll see. Once I get through the revisions and get it out there, I’ll see what the audience reaction will be. This story is near and dear to me, and I hope that’s a sign that you’re right—my characters knew what they were doing when they chose me to write this novel.
The publishing industry is cynical, isn’t it? Great writing isn’t necessarily what sells. I just hope it doesn’t all come down to the level of those you-know-how-many shades of that you-know-what-color. I know one blogger who’s querying her novel who has received requests for the full novel—only to have the agents come back saying, “I’m only interested in best sellers, and this isn’t it.” My feeling is if those agents are so good at identifying best sellers, why haven’t they retired on the royalties from all their successes? Yes, indie sounds appealing to me.
I’ll try not to sell myself short—which is exactly what one of my characters tells another in this particular WIP. He’s absolutely right about her, and I’ll keep trying for you to be right about me. I love these stories (and those yet to come) too much to give up. And support like yours is so helpful. Thank you for the wonderful comment!
Subhan Zein
/ January 19, 2013There’s no great genius who doen’t have self-doubts, even Kahlil Gibran often looked for consolation and support from Mikhail Naimy. The same case applies to Paulo Colho, Jean-Paul Satre and countless others.
Keep your faith on yourself, and keep carving brilliance, you’ll do wonders. When the night looks very dark, it is because it is very close to the dawn.
Subhan Zein
jmmcdowell
/ January 19, 2013The support I’m seeing from you and other commenters is overwhelming. I’m not sure I have words enough to thank you. You help me keep that faith and find the strength to keep writing. I hope I can do the same in return. Thank you so much!
Subhan Zein
/ January 19, 2013Anytime
Carrie Rubin
/ January 19, 2013January and February are tough months. The excitement of the holidays are over, and the days are often cold and gray. March is pretty yucky too, but at least we know spring is on the way. I keep an artificial light in my exercise room, and every morning when I work out I blast that baby for an hour. I think it helps.
Self-doubt is natural and common. The trick is to just sit down and write anyway, giving ourselves permission to write crap for just one hour if that’s all we can muster. Takes some of the pressure off. And usually that crap ends up not being crap at all.
jmmcdowell
/ January 19, 2013Maybe I should try one of those lights. It might be good in my office when I’m working. Today we have full sun and 54 degrees, and I feel much better. Well, except for the headache that suggests a change in pressure is in the air.
An arctic front is on its way.
I’ve been trudging through it. Yesterday I drafted the next episode of Meghan’s mystery. And I like it. Now, if I can just transfer some of that positiveness to Summer, I might be in good shape.
This post is generating some wonderful, thoughtful comments. I think I struck a chord we can all relate to. (Oops, ended a sentence with a preposition!) It’s reassuring to know others share the same fears and doubts. It’s not easy for this introvert to open up about a subject like this, but it’s so helpful to read everyone’s comments and know I’m not alone. To quote the old commercial, “Thank you for your support!”
Carrie Rubin
/ January 19, 2013You are most definitely not alone!
kathils
/ January 19, 2013Self doubt is in a writer’s job description. You are in a huge company of others who suffer the same malady. What will set you apart is your ability to get through it. Those are the true writers. The ones who press on even when self doubt hangs like a dark cloud over our heads. You can do this.
And remember, an agent (or more likely, their assistant) is rejecting your *query letter*, not your manuscript. They haven’t seen the manuscript, how can they say? They judge on the basis of a couple of hundred words. It doesn’t mean what you’ve written is bad. It means your query, on that day, among the possibly hundreds they’ve gotten, didn’t strike a chord. It very well could have on a different day.
I liken the querying phase to showing dogs in conformation — I used to do that. Your dog was in a ring with perhaps 3 others, perhaps 30 others. You had split seconds to show your dog at it’s ultimate best. If the judge glanced at your dog and it was standing with one leg in the wrong place, just that quickly she would look to the next dog. Perhaps that next dog had some other flaw, perhaps your dog is really better than that dog, doesn’t matter. At that moment, when the judge looked, it wasn’t. So, back in the ring another day, at another show, and find the judge who looked when your dog was being perfect.
Not a whole lot of fun, but on the times you win, it’s glorious.
You can do it.
jmmcdowell
/ January 19, 2013As I read your comment and others, self-doubt is losing ground and retreating. It already didn’t like the cloud-free, sunny mild day, and now it’s being attacked on all fronts.
Ugh, yes, the query. This novel is so different, I doubt any of the query letters I wrote managed to capture its essence. My dog may have scratched itself in front of the judge.
And so how could they capture an agent’s interest? That’s why I set it aside and finished drafting Death Out of Time. It should be easier to develop a query and synopsis for that story. But as I see more wonderful writers around me having bad experiences with the traditional route, I find myself leaning more to going it alone. And if I do that, then why not go with my first love? er, novel?
Thank you so much for the support. I can’t tell you how much it helps and means to me!
kathils
/ January 20, 2013That is precisely one of the reasons I decided to self-publish. I believe in my story. I’ve had numerous readers who would tell me if it was tripe, tell me they believe in it. Try as I might, I can’t boil the essence of that tale into an adequate query. I never in a million years thought I would self-publish. Honestly? It almost felt like “giving up”.
Now it feels like I’m being true to myself. If the book really is tripe, no one will buy it and I’ll get lousy reviews. Then, you know what? I’ll make the next one better.
Whichever way you chose, you’ve got support.
jmmcdowell
/ January 20, 2013With this great blogging community, we really aren’t going it alone, are we? We help spread the word about each others’ novels and stories—we’re a marketing team in and of ourselves! I spent part of the morning doodling a concept sketch for Summer’s cover. You bet I’m hiring a professional for that—I don’t think my stick figures would sell, except maybe on a “Dick and Jane” reader.
I like that idea of controlling my own destiny. If I fail, it’s because of me, not some terrible decision by someone in the marketing department.
That support is right there for you, too.
Robin Jean Marie
/ January 19, 2013Thanks for your honesty, JM. I kind of like the wintertime for writing, because the colder weather keeps me inside, in front of my laptop. I think that feedback from others is so important, partially to cheer us on. I heard it said that writers need to support other writers, so consider this a pat on the back and a “buck up—you’re good at it!” from me. Best to you with your manuscripts!
jmmcdowell
/ January 19, 2013Thank you so much! You’ve just forced my self-doubt to retreat a few more steps.
I try to be supportive and encouraging for other writers, but I sometimes forget it’s okay to let people know when I could use the same. That “try not to bother people” part of my psyche is a royal pain in the behind sometimes.
We’re into a stretch of a few sunny days, so I hope that will translate into a fresher outlook. I do want to get this round of revisions wrapped up this month!
char
/ January 19, 2013You’re right. I think every writer goes through the blues and doubts themselves (for that matter, probably every human does). And January definitely isn’t helping. But plow on through the ice and muck (literally and figuratively). Good times are ahead. Just keep believing (and know you aren’t alone)
jmmcdowell
/ January 19, 2013I’m glad I decided to go ahead with this post. All these supportive comments are really helping. As is the bright sunshine and temperature in the mid-50s today.
Winter isn’t over, but it will end. The longer days in February help. And the encouragement you and other bloggers are sending my way makes it easier to believe that I can do this. I can’t thank you enough for that!
char
/ January 19, 2013Enjoy that nice weather for me. Ours ranges between 0-20 for the last month. I’m sick of it, although I love when we get hoar frost and everything is white and crystallized. Glad you feel better.
WomanBitesDog
/ January 19, 2013Writing is always a struggle. But ban that self-doubt. Turn it into self-belief. You have to believe in your work before anyone else does. January only has a few more days!
jmmcdowell
/ January 19, 2013Your comment and those of others have my self-doubt on the retreat! And I appreciate that more than I can possibly say. This year is for moving forward, and I can’t let myself be sidetracked or stalled by that nasty little voice. Here’s to February and longer days!
Brigitte
/ January 19, 2013JM, you are good and every writer has self-doubt! I bet if the most famous writers, after they finish a best-seller, are plagued with doubt when they try to write the next one — “can I really do this again?” Maybe not, but I go through this all the time. And the winter months do this to me as well. Those cloudy, gray days can mess with your head (and creativity). Sometimes I think it’s best to just give into and step away. Other times when you’re feeling your worst is when you can write your best! Don’t give up and know that every writer, at some time or another, faces this. You’re a great writer! But, as you’ve so eloquently put it, “Most writers suffer from an overabundance of self-doubt, and sometimes it helps just to hear others say they do, too.” I do too!
jmmcdowell
/ January 19, 2013You’d think as a writer I could do a better job of expressing thanks for wonderful comments like this. But I keep falling back on variants of “thank you so much!” Short, dark winter days are a pain in the behind. But knowing others share the same blues does help ease the sting.
I feel like I had a good writing day yesterday, drafting Meghan’s next episode. So I hope that can continue into this round of novel revisions. I want the WIPs moving forward. Even if one isn’t published this year, I want it out early next year. Hmm, I may have just committed to going indie.
We’ll get through these winter blahs before too long. Until then, let’s all have some fun in Blog Land over a virtual glass of our favorite beverages and plate of our favorite treats.
Arlene
/ January 19, 2013JM, thank you for sharing your inner feelings and thoughts. Absolutely, we all go experience self-doubt (some of us more than others, some of us stronger than others), but you are being true to yourself by acknowledging it and pushing through it (by publishing this post, by refocusing on your drafts). You are definitely not alone!
I for one think your writing is excellent and I enjoy your Meghan stories so I have no doubt I will thoroughly enjoy your books when they come out too!!!
jmmcdowell
/ January 19, 2013Thank you so much for the encouragement, Arlene. I was running errands today, and when I got home, I was overwhelmed by how many wonderful, thoughtful, and supportive comments had come in. It means more than I can possibly say. My self-doubt is taking a real beating today!
My characters are also enjoying these comments—and hoping they’ll lead to me buckling down and whipping the manuscripts into shape. I’ve set this year as the one to get serious about publication. Posting about my self-doubt was probably a good way to tackle the problem so I can move forward.
Meghan sends her thanks, and she hopes you’ll enjoy the next episode.
Pete Denton
/ January 19, 2013I also find January a strange month. We’ve just been hit with a bout of snow with more on the way so we’re stuck with it for a while. Whatever our other plans might have been are shelved and I can get some writing done. I seem to spend November and December catching up with everything and part of me want to take January off. Do nothing. I’m trying to carry on with the writing, editing. Spring would be nice to get rid of the white stuff and warm up a little.
jmmcdowell
/ January 19, 2013At least in the Northern Hemisphere, January has so much against it—short days, dark, cold, snow, the let-down after the holidays…. I grew up with cold, snowy winters in Illinois, so I usually find Maryland a heck of a lot easier to take. But this last week was so dark and dreary. How do people in the Pacific Northwest handle it?
We will get through the winter, right? And progress of any kind when we’re battling doubt or the elements is good. So here’s a toast to sunny skies, warmer weather, less snow, and our Muses filling our brains with ideas for revisions and new stories. (My toast isn’t virtual. I just poured myself a glass of wine.
)
Pete Denton
/ January 19, 2013We will get through the winter. Yes.
I *clink* your glass with my glass of orange.
cup112278
/ January 19, 2013Thank so much for the post. I can completely relate! I am a new fiction writer and I am now realizing that deciding to start blogging and beginning my new novel in January may have not been the best idea. HA! Oh well, I am trudging through it and hope my motivation increases so that I can take all of these ideas swirling in my idea and get them down onto paper!
jmmcdowell
/ January 19, 2013Well, if you can make it through this month, you’ve got the worst behind you, right?
And the Muse doesn’t seem to care when she drops those ideas into our heads. But we ignore them at our own risk, so do get them down!
I never had any intention of writing a novel—until the Muse sneaked up on me with an unexpected idea. And then, well, there I was, sitting at the computer and pounding away at the keys. I’ve never looked back. I’ve gone through self-doubt, tears at agent “passes,” and fears that I’d hit a brick wall and never recover. But I’ve also had such fun and wouldn’t stop writing, even if the books never find an audience beyond me and a few people.
It’s a wild ride at times and dead-calm seas at others. Enjoy it!
cup112278
/ January 20, 2013Thank you so much for your advice and encouragement. I am determined to continually push back the self-doubt and fears of publicly writing and focus on getting all of these swirling ideas in my mind on paper!
cup112278
/ January 22, 2013Thanks for the great advice! I am so detail oriented that I feel that I need to have my outlines all finished and complete before I start writing. However, I have all these ideas swirling in my mind so I think that I just need to start writing!
"HE WHO"
/ January 19, 2013You are good at this. Everyone has their ups and downs. The one thing about January is that it will end. For 25 years I wrote two columns a day for an international horse racing publication plus articles for many other mags. But I’ve never found the passion to write the novel I’ve always dreamed about, let alone two!!! Good for you. Now get back to it. You guys who are writing or have written books have a gift. I think anyone can write, but only a select few actually sit down and do it. More power to you.
jmmcdowell
/ January 19, 2013Thank you for the encouragement!
One of the things I’ve noticed is that “ideas are easy, writing them is hard.” A lot of folks have ideas for novels. And they can be really good ideas. But it’s no easy task to sit at the computer and pound out a draft. Even when we do, it can be a rude awakening to learn that draft isn’t the final product. If anything, revisions are harder than the initial writing. Where this drive to stick with the writing came from is still somewhat of a mystery to me. But I’m not about to quit. So, take that, self-doubt!
International horse racing, hmm? One of my characters in Summer at the Crossroads wishes she could have been a jockey. She’s 5’10″. Let’s just say life had other plans for her.
Vanessa-Jane Chapman
/ January 19, 2013I definitely get the January blues. All the build-up to Christmas doesn’t help. And in January it feels like such a long time until we can expect warmer weather. I’m a bit brighter this weekend though because we’ve had a decent snowfall and I love the snow. I hear you about being reluctant to share your low feelings on your blog, I know you’ve said before that you never wanted to use your blog as a therapists couch (or you said something like that anyway!), I’m exactly the same, but I think doing that occasionally is good, for you, and for your followers.
And I think it’s far nicer to have a little self-doubt than to have a delusional or over-inflated sense of how good you are, so embrace the self-doubt!
jmmcdowell
/ January 19, 2013Wow, I’d forgotten about the therapist’s couch remark. Damn, you’ve got a great memory!
But yes, you’re absolutely right—sometimes we need to be as honest about the low days as we are with the good. While I want to focus on progress and positive things on the blog, the truth is there are rough days and weeks. That’s the reality of life. But my Midwestern US and Catholic upbringing make it hard to talk about them. Talk about a double whammy.
I loved snow when I was a kid, which is good because we had a lot of it. Now? I’m a weather wimp. We’re looking at a “cold” front the next few days, with temperatures around 0 Celsius or a little below next week. Compared to my childhood, that’s nothing. Now? Too cold!!!! Funny what a cross-country move can do to our senses.
And you’re right again—I will take the self-doubt over a grandiose ego any day. Self-doubt will force me to do the best I can. Delusions? Oh, boy. I’ve seen some indie books on Amazon like that. May that never be me.
Vanessa-Jane Chapman
/ January 19, 2013I hate the cold too, but my love of snow overrides that. It’s just so beautiful, and I love the stillness. Also, I lived in the French Alps for a year when I was a child, so there’s a nostalgia element to the snow for me too.
jmmcdowell
/ January 19, 2013Spending a year in the Alps? Oh, yes, I can see where that kind of winter scenery could be magical!
annewoodman
/ January 19, 2013JM, I have no idea what you’re talking about… everything I write is perfect! Ha. Totally kidding. I guess you can see from the multitude of comments that everyone can relate to this post. I definitely have some SAD… and usually in January, I suffer from some form of insomnia, for some reason (I decided two years ago, when I was training for the marathon, that previous years had brought on insomnia full-force because I was unintentionally exercising less in the dreary weather; now I keep on my training plan.).
I haven’t written a word in my WIP this month, and I’m feeling some measure of guilt about it… but I also am trying to give myself a break. Sometimes we writers get so stuck into a project that we can’t see the forest for the trees.
I haven’t read “Summer,” but I know what a good writer you are… and in your situation, I keep reminding myself that the genius of writing is often in the editing. Your revisions are crafting a stronger novel, with every baby step. And I like what Kathils said (above) about the agent rejecting the query letter, not your actual book. ; )
Hang in there, and believe in yourself. You’re a gifted writer… and your feelings of self-doubt are merely part of the writing process. ; )
jmmcdowell
/ January 19, 2013I’m overwhelmed by the wonderful, supportive comments I’ve gotten for this post. Even though I know the support and camaraderie in this corner of Blog Land is incredible, days like this really bring it home. I don’t have the words to thank you and everyone else as much as I’d like to do. Your encouragement really means a lot to me.
I have to keep up my exercise routines, or I’d be a total wreck, physically and mentally. Some days it’s tough, though. And I can still be sluggish. Even now, it’s not even 7:00, and I’m drooping. But when I go to bed, I might lay awake for awhile before I drift off. Ugh! Why can’t I be perky now and tired at 9:30?
Sometimes we need that break from the WIP, as others have noted. I took a long one from Summer while I worked on Death Out of Time. But this story keeps calling to me, and I hope the current revisions are on the right track. But there also comes that point when we need fresh eyes to read the story and give us an objective opinion as to how we’ve done. I owe it to these characters to do that again.
On a totally embarrassing note, I did something today that was the subject of one of your posts. As my husband and I were halfway to the outlet mall, I happened to look down at my boots. One was dark brown and the other black. D’OH! Luckily, one of the first stores at the entrance was Nine West. Hello, new black suede short boots for $30! That pretty well sums up January to date! But the fact that I can admit publicly that something like that happened is a huge step for me.
Maybe I can work it into a story….
annewoodman
/ January 19, 2013Oh, JM…. that is probably the best part about blogs, for me. I know now that there are other people who wear two different foot apparati. ; )
I have found, through many different interview situations, that people feel more kind towards you when you admit some vulnerability instead of trying to maintain a fierce exterior. We have your back here in Blog Land. ; )
jmmcdowell
/ January 19, 2013Fierce is not a word that comes to mind when describing myself.
And my back thanks you, as does the rest of me!
Margarita
/ January 19, 2013JM: You’re a wonderful storyteller! The nice thing about having a blogging community is that everyone knows first-hand how self-doubt feels, everyone has a story to share about shifting from that space, and everyone is there to help you get through it! I have no doubt that your work will be published. All that remains to be seen is how and when. And that reveals itself one bit of effort at a time! xoxoM
jmmcdowell
/ January 19, 2013Thank you, Margarita!
I’m being totally uncreative in saying thank you to you and everyone else for this wonderful support and encouragement. But you truly are brightening my outlook and helping me get back into the revising and writing spirit. The rest of January shouldn’t be as daunting as it seemed when I wrote this post.
You’re absolutely right. I will publish these books. Maybe not traditionally, but there’s a wide world of new possibilities to explore. Thank you again for helping me get there!
Margarita
/ January 19, 2013I’m a big proponent of breaking with tradition, JM. While it’s great to maintain our history, the nature of life, in general, is change. So, definitely, know your history and make new traditions!
xoxoM
diannegray
/ January 19, 2013We all have self-doubt, JM – it’s an integral part of being a writer and it’s included in our job descriptions!
One of my favourite writing quotes (that keeps me going) comes from George Orwell:
“Writing a book is a horrible, exhausting struggle, like a long bout of some painful illness. One would never undertake such a thing if one were not driven on by some demon whom one can neither resist nor understand.”
Keep going, my friend – it’s all worth it in the end (and I LOVE your stories)
jmmcdowell
/ January 19, 2013Wow, Orwell hit the nail on the head, didn’t he? Oh wait—I need a moment to tell my Muse that I’m not calling her a demon!
Okay, I just made her an offering of wine and chocolate. I’ll make up a pitcher of mojitos for her later. 
I’m sounding like a broken record here, but I truly appreciate the kind words of support and encouragement. The writing journey has become so much more enjoyable since I started blogging last year. I couldn’t imagine doing this on my own anymore. Meeting friends like you has been an unexpected and wonderful part of the trip!
diannegray
/ January 19, 2013That’s very lovely of you to say! We have to stick by each other and give support. I had so little support when I started writing that I thought I was the only one in the world who had self doubts
jmmcdowell
/ January 19, 2013We all have them, though, even people who claim they don’t. Some people may not suffer as much as others, but we all do. And I hope your friends and family have come to realize that you are a darn good writer!
diannegray
/ January 19, 2013I hope so too!
Madame Weebles
/ January 19, 2013Winter is rough for a lot of people, JM. Just remember it’s a passing feeling, that the cold and dark are distorting your ability to see your fabulosity and the fabulosity of your writing. I do okay in the wintertime but I seem to be in the minority. Keep the faith, sister!
jmmcdowell
/ January 19, 2013Fabulous folk like you have made my day, MW. You’ve given my self-doubt such a beating, it won’t be back anytime soon! And thank your lucky stars that you don’t suffer through the winter like some of us do. I’ve got only a mild form of SAD. But some people really struggle with it. And that has to be hell to deal with.
I will keep the faith! The rest of this long weekend should see some good revisions and also polishing of Meghan’s next episode.
1 Story A Week
/ January 19, 2013It’s like you read my heart. I’ve heard it said that slow growth is strong growth, but not seeing the results you work so hard for can, after a time, wear on the soul.
jmmcdowell
/ January 19, 2013That is so true. And when we put so much of our heart into creating something original, it can be hard to bear if the public reaction isn’t what we hoped. I’m not at that stage yet, so I’d best not think about it too much. It might bring back those doubts. Whatever happens at that stage, though, I’m enjoying myself and the stories that come to me. And that truly is the most important thing when it comes to writing.
dedy oktavianus pardede
/ January 20, 2013that’s a really deep stuff…
thx for sharing
i think we,re deside where it’s all driving us, i’ll say better be the possitive ones
jmmcdowell
/ January 20, 2013Thanks for stopping by and joining in the conversation. I am trying to focus on those positive thoughts and energies!
twistingthreads
/ January 20, 2013There are so many reasons for not getting interest from a query letter (such as already having a full client list, for example), and only one is poor writing, which I assure you is not a problem as far as what I have read. I envision harried agents scrambling through piles of queries every time I read something they write about the process. It must be hard to hold so many people’s dreams in their hands and know that they can only even consider so many. If you do not win out the first (or even the tenth time) try, try again. Sometimes it’s just not a good day.
You have my empathy as far as the winter blues. I’ve been feeling drained, too. MT cannot decide if it is winter or muck. I wish it would be winter, even though the snow, freezing temperatures, and dimness, are terrible in and of themselves, because the only thing that can make me feel more “yuck” is fire season, and last summer was two months straight of smoke smog hanging over the town and threatening to take out our water supply. I’m torn between wanting daylight and spring and wanting to breathe/open a window later this summer.
jmmcdowell
/ January 20, 2013The whole query process is so stressful. All the work of polishing that letter and synopsis, and then to hear nothing or “not interested” time and time again. And I know writers who have gotten requests for the full manuscript, only to hear “I’m only interested in bestsellers, and this isn’t one.” (Shouldn’t those agents be retired on the millions they’ve made from their bestselling stable?) And then there’s a writer who signed with a well-known agent from a well-known firm, but no press would take on the book. On her agent’s advice, she’s e-published it herself. The competition for a traditional deal is staggering. And many good writers don’t catch that break.
I always think of western air as crisp and clean (well, not LA and the like), but fires do make it nearly unbreathable, don’t they. Years ago I dealt with the smog around Mexico City and was miserable. Those particulates play havoc with the body!
twistingthreads
/ January 21, 2013You’re right. There are definitely some crummy reasons to be “rejected”. I don’t think I’d want an agent who only wanted me because they saw dollar signs; I would hope they’d be passionate about my work for other reasons besides it’s potential monetary value (which can matter, it just can’t be the only reason). Being published traditionally is difficult, but that’s exactly why I think anyone who has been passed over shouldn’t take the rejection as an indication that they are not a worthy writer, or can never be one. Keep going, and never stop doing what you love or lose that love because of what someone else says.
jmmcdowell
/ January 22, 2013There are so many more options today for independent publishing. And whether some of the “old guard” wants to admit it or not, the “stigma” of going indie is dying with them. It’s a brave new world, and one I’m seriously considering.
twistingthreads
/ January 23, 2013There’s nothing wrong with going indie! Whatever you decide, I wish you the best of luck, and happy writing.
Gemma Rolleman
/ January 20, 2013I don’t believe you’d be any good at this if you never worried that you’re not
jmmcdowell
/ January 20, 2013Oh yes—an overabundance of self-assurance is bad, too.
Luckily, I’ve never suffered from that malady! If people have thought I was very confident about something, then I was doing a great job of acting. 
Ileandra Young
/ January 20, 2013I’m actually feeling a little lighter and brighter this month. I think the new year has helped with that, since previously I was just limping along feeling sorry for myself. My critique group has given me a massive boost and I now have a game plan. It will be slow, but it is happening. And yet, despite all that… I still have huge moments of ‘ugh, this is rubbish, no one is going to want to read it, ever!’
Certainly we all do.
jmmcdowell
/ January 21, 2013Grab hold of that feeling good in the winter and don’t let go! That’s a rare commodity.
And lucky you for having a good critique group to work with. They can really help keep the motivation going and get us through the rough patches.
Self-doubt gets us all sometimes. Some folks more than others. And sometimes it’s good to just admit it. I’m feeling much better than I did this time last week.
Lori D
/ January 20, 2013Boy, can I relate to this one. I live in the sunshine state so I can’t blame it on the dreariness of the days. I do have a question for you though. Have you ever gotten a negative review from a beta reader? If so, how do you work through that? My writers critique group are often times my beta readers. Only one of three readers of my last short story did not like the entire storyline. Just the one negative review brought down my self-confidence. So your blog post here is timely for me. I’m wondering how others handle situations like this. Thank you for deciding to share this information.
jmmcdowell
/ January 21, 2013I’ve been very fortunate with my beta readers. They know what they’re doing, and the feedback has never been negative. That doesn’t mean they’ve said only complimentary things! But they know how to point out weaknesses, mistakes, and the like in constructive terms. That’s a skill that takes time to develop. And even when the criticism is well-phrased and constructive, I’ll still feel that sting. If you haven’t looked at my beta reading series (there’s a page for it at the top of my blog), you might find it helpful.
Also, do you follow Jennifer Eaton’s blog? She’s starting a “Sunday 250-word review critique blog hop.” Readers can submit 250 words from a story, and then critique each others work. If it really takes off, I don’t think everyone would have to critique every post.
You can see more about it at http://jennifermeaton.com/2013/01/20/250-word-critique-blog-hop-this-is-what-were-gonna-do/
One of the things critters and betas MUST keep in mind is that personal opinion has no place in a critique. No one can like every story idea. But that doesn’t mean an idea is bad. The story needs to be critiqued objectively. Sometimes, we can’t do that. But that’s when we step back and say, “I’m sorry, I can’t review this objectively.” I, for instance, couldn’t do a proper critique of a book with graphic violence or a dark, psychological thriller. I can’t read them. And I know my limitations and wouldn’t review them.
Criticism is difficult to take, and as writers we need to develop a thick skin in response. I don’t believe anyone who says it all rolls off his back. But we should train ourselves to respond positively after that initial period of the blues. Is there something we can take from the critique to make the work better? Sometimes there isn’t, and we have to clench our teeth and move on. That’s where darts can be good therapy.
Or ranting to a good friend.
Lori D
/ January 21, 2013Thanks for sharing all of this info, JM. I’ve been in this writer’s critique group for a good 5 years now. Oh, the sting has come and gone many times. It usually fades away and their critiques have helped me immensely. We have a new member to the group, and on our last critique meeting she re-wrote my entire story for me, giving it an entirely different meaning than what I was going for. My short stories usually have some type off inspirational message at the end, which is what this one had (2,700 words). She said the main character, whose name I titled the story by, did nothing to interest her. She’s been to about 3 meetings so far, and she hasn’t liked anything I write. The others, however, seem to like my storylines/genres, and they have been very helpful with critiquing my mechanics. I’m thinking that my type of story writing just doesn’t suit this woman. I look at it this way, you and I might look at the same work of art/painting, and one of us might find it stunning, the other may find it ugly. I guess we have to discern for ourselves what is actual opinion, and what is actual constructive advice. I’m going to check out the link you shared. Thanks again.
jmmcdowell
/ January 22, 2013We absolutely all have different tastes. And if this member of your group can’t set hers aside for an objective review, then I think you can respectfully ignore her suggestions. That difference in taste doesn’t make either of you “right” or “wrong.” It just means you might not work well together.
Lori D
/ January 22, 2013Thanks so much for your input, JM. I didn’t mean to get into all that, but I guess your post topic got me going. Thanks for the opportunity to discuss it here.
jmmcdowell
/ January 22, 2013No problem.
There’s a lot of writers who hang out here who have likely gone through some similar experiences. And I enjoy people sharing theirs in the comments. We can learn from each other and have fun. 
gene3067
/ January 20, 2013Stay strong. You’re in the doldrum season now, but it will pass. I understand the frustrations and doubts you are having. There are things going on right now that have made me question every move I’ve made and where to go from here but I will get through them, just like I know you will get through yours.
jmmcdowell
/ January 21, 2013Comments like yours are making it easier to regain my strength. I can’t thank you and everyone enough for that. The difficult journey makes the destination all the sweeter, right? By my reckoning, we’re halfway through winter, and while there will still be clouds, cold, and snow, the days are getting longer. You stay strong, too.
Chris Edgar
/ January 21, 2013It sounds like it was courageous of you to post this, and I hope it was healing as well — I know that, when I feel reluctant to move forward in writing a show, just telling someone about the reluctance I’m feeling actually starts to dissipate my hesitation.
jmmcdowell
/ January 21, 2013You’re so right. Sometimes just admitting that we’re facing a rough stretch can help us move on. I always try to be “the strong one,” not letting on when I’m down or having difficulty with something because I don’t want to burden other people who have their own hands full. Uploading this post has helped. And the comments from you and others have really meant more than I can express.
teeceecounsel
/ January 21, 2013When the going gets tough, the tough gets going.
I’m sure you’ll pull through all the challenges that could be distracting or inconviniencing at times.
I keep hope alive and live each day as it comes, advancing towards my goals one step at a time.
Thanks for sharing!
jmmcdowell
/ January 21, 2013One step at a time is the best way to tackle a challenge. After all, “the journey of a thousand miles begins with but a single step,” right?
Kourtney Heintz
/ January 21, 2013Oh JM, this is such an important post. So courageous to talk about the darker side of writing. The very fact that you doubt yourself means your writing will always improve. You aren’t accepting what you have and refusing to learn. That’s huge. Our first books take the most work. I’ve shopped mine around on and off for a few years. It’s not the one I’m self publishing but somewhere down the road I might dust it off and try again.
Winter is tough. I’m one of those rare people that hate sunlight. I probably should move to Seattle. I struggled so much in Nov and Dec with self doubt. If you ever want to chat offline and have it stay in my vault, shoot me an email. 
jmmcdowell
/ January 21, 2013One of the many great things about blogging is the way fellow writers understand those down times when we question our abilities or worry that we don’t have the next story in us. If I told some of my non-writing friends and family about these feelings, they might ask why I keep writing if it makes me unhappy. They wouldn’t understand the desire and drive to write, even when it feels like slogging through molasses. (And with the cold and gloomy weather, my molasses thickened up again.
)
You hate sunlight? I don’t lie outside and try to tan (I’d end up burning), but I love the light around me. I don’t think I could take those Northwest winters.
Thank you so much for your support and the offer to chat. Don’t be surprised if I take you up on that one day, and of course, as I told 4amWriter today, I’m always here, too, if you need a friendly, objective ear.
Kourtney Heintz
/ January 22, 2013It’s a huge part of how I continue. Seriously slogging through is made better by looking over and seeing you and Kathryn there. Yeah, non writers just cannot get it.
LOL. I do indeed. I’m prone to migraines so bright light can trigger them–especially sunlight without sunglasses. And my skin hates it. I feel like I’m catching on fire unless I’ve got sunscreen on or lots of white clothing.
Anytime. Thank you! I really appreciate that.
Go writer power!
jmmcdowell
/ January 22, 2013Oh migraines and sensitive fair skin. That desire to avoid too much bright light makes perfect sense! My features may be Serbian, but my skin is British Isles/northern Europe fair.
philosophermouseofthehedge
/ January 22, 2013I know exactly what Kourtney means about too much sunlight…the extremely long days, excessive heat, and bright glare of the sunlight during the summer here are just brutal – mid June to almost Halloween. UGH
jmmcdowell
/ January 22, 2013Summers can be rough around DC, but usually nowhere near as bad as the deep South! Our hot spells aren’t as long, and the humidity isn’t quite as high. I don’t think I could take the weather in Texas. Hang on. I KNOW I couldn’t!
Carol Wuenschell
/ January 22, 2013I know all about self doubt, too. And I can’t answer your question without seeing what you’ve written. Your on-line stories show promise. They’re rough, but I can easily put that down to the way you’re writing them – seat-of-the-pants, no revisions… Still, they keep me coming back.
Writing something that’s “good” is also not necessarily the same as writing something that’s clearly “commercial.” Agents are looking for commercial potential – that is, what they think they could sell to a traditional publisher. Quality is a separate issue, and the biggest irony is that not having obvious commercial potential doesn’t mean the book wouldn’t sell to readers. The traditional publishers don’t actually have a clue what the next best seller is going to be.
All I can say is, don’t give up when you’re down. Do what you can to lift that mood. And continue to seek sources of honest validation of your work.
jmmcdowell
/ January 22, 2013I could never sit down with the intent to write something designed to be commercially successful. I’m also not someone who will craft exquisite literary fiction, pen an intense psychological thriller, or set down an erotic piece of fan fiction. I have to write the stories that interest me, in the style that fits me, whether they’ll find an audience of any size or not.
More days than not, I think I can write those stories in a way that some audience would enjoy. And with the help of those objective beta readers, I hope to have this particular story on it’s way this year. But it will help to get past January. Thank you so much for the support!
philosophermouseofthehedge
/ January 22, 2013HAng in there: it’s the weather and time of year. There’s research that shows this past Monday is one of the worst and most depressing days of the year: grim cold weather, holiday fun over, bills in, New Year’s resolutions getting dropped about now, a few extra pounds – and worry about summer clothes showing bulges….and the list goes on….so it’s not just you
Normally, winter isn’t an issue for me…except this one is the wet drizzle cold that follows El nino then La nina summers. Can’t get outside and that is bad.I need to get out and see what’s happening outside. But this dreary is clouding my head and making me want to hibernate…so I’m late reading posts.
My brother who just moved out of Delaware area had to use one of those light or he was so horrible and depressing you wanted to strangle him.
Spring and fall are hazardous to my writing because the weather is so nice I cannot sit inside.
What makes good writers is sensitivity to details and people’s behavior…and those often makes life miserable, too.
You’re a writer – great characters and stories – and the ability to write all of it down so it seems real – and gets people involves with your characters and plot. Well paced. Well chosen words.
Hang in there. (and we all have a first book stuffed under a bunch of junk…not bad enough to throw out, not quite there yet, but emotionally not able to re-work it – yet. )
Hope the sun has come out…windows are nice….hear it’s dreadfully cold outside, though
Spring is coming!
jmmcdowell
/ January 22, 2013We had a beautiful sunny weekend in the 50s. It was sunny today, but the high was only about 21. Fingers are crossed that next week hits the upper 40s again like they’re predicting. (But it seems the forecasts are getting less accurate these days.)
The clouds and dampness are the worst. Last week I felt like hibernating—just curl up under the blankets and not do anything. I resisted that urge and made sure I did my morning aerobics and weight routines every day. And whenever we can (not raining or too bitterly cold!), my husband and I take a good walk after work. I would be bouncing off the walls or plastered to the couch if I didn’t stay active. I should probably try to work those elements into some stories!
Your support and encouragement means more than I can say. You and my other blog buddies have made this journey so much more enjoyable and have helped me through times like this when I’ve doubted my abilities. I many not be able to name everyone in the acknowledgments when the books are published, but I will be thanking all of you there, too!
Clowie
/ January 23, 2013My bipeds used to hate January, but it doesn’t seem half as bad now we live in Spain. We get more hours of daylight and there are fewer grey days – it makes a big difference.
jmmcdowell
/ January 24, 2013The sun really does help. Of course, now we have some cold arctic air that’s moved in and temperatures are well below normal. But it should get better next week. Then we’ll be getting into February, when we really can feel the tide turning here. Enjoy that Spanish sun and warmth!
kindredspirit23
/ January 23, 2013I don’t mind the cold and dark, neither does my horror writing!
I understand, though, what you are going through, what you are facing.
You are a very talented writer and a wonderful person; believe those two things!
I will offer my services as a beta-reader again if you should need someone.
I hope my first efforts on your other novel helped some.
And, I love the “Megan” story.
You have a big fan here!
Scott
jmmcdowell
/ January 24, 2013Thanks, Scott.
Sometimes we just need to hear some reassuring words. If all goes to plan, I’ll be working on the final “major” revisions to Death Out of Time next month. I just have to finish this round on Summer at the Crossroads first. Your comments were a great help! And Meghan sends her thanks. 
Denise Hisey
/ February 2, 2013Although NaNo is a great jump starter, I think I get really burned out after such an intense month of writing. I’m just starting to pull out of the funk…It’s tough!
How wonderful for all of us that we can encourage each other and know we’re not alone!
jmmcdowell
/ February 2, 2013The encouragement and support are two of my favorite parts of blogging. Seeing everyone’s comments here really helped pull me up from that morass of self-doubt. And I think they’ve helped me get back into a good writing (and editing) groove. I feel like I’m making good progress again, and that is a wonderful thing! And I hope you’ll find soon your second wind after NaNo. I haven’t tried one yet…. Maybe next year?